Dear Abby

Dear Abby,

I am a crack dealer in Columbus who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in the suburb of Obetz and one of my sisters, who lives in Westerville, is married to a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Grove City. I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Lucasville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently in jail awaiting trial on charges of sexual misconduct with his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in Upper Arlington and is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel. All things considered, my main problem is this. I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family and I certainly want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my cousin who is a Michigan fan?

Signed,
Worried About My Reputation