*Never agree to get married on a Saturday Ohio State is scheduled to play football. There are typically 40 other freakin' weekends to choose from...sack up and make her choose one of those!
*Never attend a wedding during an Ohio State football game unless you carry a TV......and watch it even during the ceremony.
*It is OK to wear an OSU football jersey even when old....and fat....and bald. Extra points if you've got an OSU baseball cap on backwards, sit in the "Huntington Club" seats and repeatedly spill stuff on anyone named "Chas" or "Muffy." (Make sure you do so early and often because they'll be long gone by the end of the third period). Maybe some "real" fans will take their seats.
*Always, and I mean ALWAYS, return any "O...H" with a hearty "I...O." This is true even during funerals, sex, in foreign countries or when witnessing the birth of your child.
*When driving on I-75 during spring break season (March through April), every fifth vehicle you see with Michigan license plates should be honked at then flipped off. By Tennessee, even those dumb SOB's should get the point.
*When Notre Dame plays Michigan, it is mandatory to despise both teams. There are no winners.
*You cannot have a second favorite football team behind OSU. You are permitted to have another team (non-Big Ten or ND) that you hate less than the others.
*It is OK to be emotional (and even "tear" up) during the following:
-Script Ohio
-Your child's first Buckeye game
-Carmen Ohio -During a Tressel speech
-Listening to "What I Want"
-Remembering Woody
-After beating Michigan
-Winning the National Championship
-Hearing Brett Musberger exclaim,"Holy Buckeye!"
-When NFL Buckeyes state on MNF that they are from "THE" Ohio State University.
-Hearing the phrase, "Rest easy Woody, the new man has arrived."
*It is not cool to make fun of the Neutron Man. Especially now that he is watching games with Woody
*Buckeye necklaces must be worn at all times on game day from the time you leave your place of abode until you return. One other time: If you happen to get desperate and are in the process of bagging a girl from Michigan, you must have on your Buckeye necklace to ward off any feelings of affection. (This is true even if you go over to the dark side and marry her).
*Always take off your hat during Carmen Ohio and physically remove the hats of anyone in your vicinity who fails to do so.
*Everyone should rush the field after an OSU home victory over Michigan at least once in their lifetime. (Extra kudos for those of you who rushed The field at IU and tore down THEIR goalposts a few years ago...c'mon you know who you are!).
*Once your children attain age ten, they should be allowed to say "F" Michigan but only during game day in your presence.
*Attending Skull Session is mandatory at least once each season.
*ESPN employees must be verbally taunted at every opportunity.
*We must all pray that the next president of OSU has more of a clue than the present one.
*When you die, you must have at least one item of Buckeye memorabilia with you. (Specify which one in your will, that way your spouse won't pick something stupid).
*Your children should be taught to let you know when they "have to take a Wolverine."
*You must be willing to die to defend your right to drink beer during tailgates.
*You are forbidden to fall for the National Media crap sandwich that JoePa is still a "good guy." In reality, he is a bitter, senile old man reduced to a cheerleader and referee-baitor. His credibility went south forever when he hired Galen "Cheatin" Hall to resurrect his sorry football program.
*Recruiting must be followed as intensely as any game. This is true even if it puts your job/career at risk.
*Attend the Spring Game. It makes it easier to survive the summer.
*When in church, it is not sacrilegious to count being a Buckeye as one of your blessings.
*Try to never boo a former or current Buckeye football player. (unless is Clarett!)
*Correct anyone who doesn't refer to OSU as "THE" Ohio State University. If they argue with you over what they think to be a nit-picky point, you are free to kick their a$$.
*When making fun of guys in marching bands always caveat your comments with a statement that, regardless of what you just said, anyone in TBDBITL is very cool.
*Admit that secretly, you wished you played tuba and could dot the "i." You'd even be willing to put on a few dozen pounds to look the part.
*You would not trade the opportunity to swill beer while listening to The Danger Brothers after an OSU victory over Michigan for tickets to any rock band that has ever existed.
*It is important to consider the "good old days" ARE NOW. Enjoy them even when OSU doesn't win the NC.
*Scarlet and Gray always works. Maize and Blue is always gay. Not that there is anything wrong with that.
*Drinking alcohol before 9:00 A.M. is, at best, immature, and likely, a sign of a serious problem. Except on game day.
*It is never ok to talk to a stranger at the urinal next to you unless he is dressed in OSU garb. That said, the topic should be limited to Buckeye football.
*There are no bad seats in Ohio Stadium.
*If you attend a game at Wisconsin, you must never engage in "Jump Around" at the end of the third quarter no matter how tempting. Also, never, and I mean never, take your kids to a Wisconsin game unless you want to explain why everyone there are drunken jerks.
*If your wife asks you what was the greatest night of your life, admit the truth that it was January 3, 2003. Sex isn't as important or rewarding as that NC.
*Plant a Buckeye tree in your yard.
*Hang a Buckeye flag on game day. If any of your neighbors counter with a Michigan flag, it is your solemn duty to tear it down and deface it anyway you see fit.
*It is "ok" to not get the drum major thing; it is "not ok" to fail to cheer when the plume touches the field.
*Be thankful beer is not sold during the game. It leaves more room for HineyGate.
*In honor of Woody, the principle of "paying forward" should be practiced at all times by all Buckeyes. I hope that you have a great day, and LET'S GO BUCKS!!!
Mariska Hargitay holds the award for outstanding lead actress in a drama series for her work on 'Law & Order: Special Victims Unit' at the 58th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards Sunday, Aug. 27, 2006, in Los Angeles. (AP Photo/Reed Saxon)
Producers of 'The Amazing Race' gather onstage after winning the award for outstanding reality-competition show at the 58th annual Prime time Emmy Awards at the Shrine Auditorium in Los Angeles August 27, 2006. REUTERS/Mike Blake (UNITED STATES)
Nominee Kyra Sedgwick (L) arrives with her husband, actor Kevin Bacon, at the 58th annual Primetime Emmy Awards at the Shrine Auditorium in Los Angeles August 27, 2006. REUTERS/Mario Anzuoni (UNITED STATES)
